“Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all – or by having everything happen all at once.”
– Paulo Coelho
“When it rains, it pours.” I sincerely and absolutely hate that saying -but It’s no joke. Evil attacks you when you are at your lowest point.
For me, it rained and poured until I was underwater. Then, a hand grabbed me from beneath and pulled me down to the depths.
NOVEMBER
AT THE PRECIPICE
It was a day or two after the visit to the funeral home and somehow, one of my pups (Bowser) had [maybe] swallowed a piece of plastic spoon. He had been licking some peanut butter off the spoon and now there was a chunk missing – in the shape of a pizza slice – the perfect shape to perforate his esophagus or stomach. Why did I use a plastic spoon? My brain…
I called the emergency vet and told them what I thought happened. They asked if he was vomiting or appeared in distress (which he wasn’t) – so they told me to look out for vomiting or blood in stool for the next day or two- and to look to see if I could find the spoon piece.
Cue an unnecessary and extra anxiety spike…
I slept fitfully, constantly worried about my dog. In the morning…Bowser threw up outside. I searched through the mess the best I could (gross), but did not find a plastic spoon piece. In a panic, I called the emergency vet and told them we were on our way. My dad was with me that morning so he came with me to the vet.
It felt like we were waiting in the patient room for hours. First, for them to even come in the room. Then, for them to do x-rays to find the spoon piece. I bounced my leg and tapped the chair while we were waiting, my anxiety so crazy high that I could not sit still.
When they returned with the results, it was not what I wanted to hear. They had not found the spoon. In order for them to locate it, they could:
A ) Do an expensive (less-invasive) scope procedure – in which case (if they found something), they would have to do the surgery to remove the piece; or,
B) Go straight for the surgery
The pricing estimate sheet was placed in front of me. The scope procedure and the surgery amounts were absolutely ridiculous. The only thing I could think is what Austin would have said. “No way – we are so not paying this!”…because he was cheap. Let’s be honest.
I was in an absolute state trying to decide – because we always made decisions together. This was the first big decision I had to make alone and I didn’t know how.
This was the first big decision I had to make alone, and I didn’t know how.
This was my dog – my kid – our “kid”. One of our two pups who knew him like I did. One of the last pieces I had of our lives together. I couldn’t take the chance and do nothing if the outcome could be another death. I could not handle that. So, I said, “let’s do the surgery.”
WHERE IS THE EFFING SPOON?
Driving home and waiting for the results was awful. One hour. Two hours. Three hours. Four. I watched TV without really watching. Time passed in this new life both very slowly, and not at all.
Tick. Tick. Tick. The clock mocked me.
Waiting – I always seemed to be waiting. Waiting for Austin to come home. Waiting for my dog to be okay. Waiting to feel anything (remotely) normal. Everything was so…foreign. My house, my bed, my life. My brain.
After what felt like an eternity – they called. He was through surgery and I could come pick him up.
At the vet, they told me they didn’t find the spoon. “What…I’m sorry, what did you say?!” They had blown air through his mouth, esophagus, stomach, and intestines – they literally “blew him out,” and they found no spoon.
Okay….okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Ummm….
There was a caveat, though. It wasn’t “all good.” They said his entire stomach was inflamed and they had biopsied to send it to the lab. It was either inflammatory bowel disease…or, stomach cancer.
There were many different ways to react here:
A) Relief (that they found an issue and we can fix it)
B) Anger
C) Doom
D) Nothing. Absolutely…Nothing.
I felt vulnerable and exposed. Not safe anywhere. I questioned everything I ever knew.
Of course, my brain went with the worst scenario possible. He had cancer. He was going to die. Everyone was going to die on me and leave me all alone. Even my sweet, sweet puppy.
Widow brain….it is a real thing. As soon as I had lost my husband, I felt vulnerable and exposed. I was not safe anywhere. I questioned everything I ever knew. Anything and everything was out to get me. I was afraid. I was alone. (I wasn’t really alone, my dad was with me. But I didn’t have my partner, my husband. I felt isolated – out of time and space. Floating out there, somewhere unknown, without an anchor. Even with twenty people around, I felt totally isolated.)
AT THE PRECIPICE
We brought my sweet baby home. He had a cone on his head – and he was very groggy. I brought his sleep pad into the living room so he could lay down. He had an incision and staples down his stomach. I read over the aftercare instructions – so many, many pills with different timings and doses. Take my fucked-up grief brain and add-in this situation of stress, add-in directions that absolutely had to be followed, and I was at the absolute edge.
My dad was still with me, and we put on a TV show for distraction – but, my other dog (Lokey) was acting insane. He was “talking” almost constantly, which is a sound that is difficult to define. It is like a whiny growl, that has resonance and emotion. He was pacing and talking. He wouldn’t go near Bowser.
I told him to “shut up” and that “I couldn’t take anymore.”
I was at my limit! “Stop it!!!”
He kept on talking and talking and talking – and pacing (away from Bowser.) “Lokey, stop!! It!”, I yelled.
I stared at Bowser on his puppy bed, but he was so still that he looked dead. I freaked out and got on the floor and called his name. Nothing. I put my hand on his chest and finally felt the rise and fall of his breaths. The stupid pills they prescribed made him completely zonk out. I kept staring at his chest and touching him to make sure he was alive the rest of the night.
I began rocking in my chair. My brain was scrambling for something normal…anything at all that I could recognize.
I had a dog just out of surgery.
I just spent a ton of money I didn’t have.
My dog most likely had a deadly cancer.
It felt like he was going to go to sleep and never wake up.
My husband was dead and couldn’t help me.
My other dog was freaking-the-fuck out.
I had no control over anything.
Everyone was going to die.
Everyone I loved was going to die.
I had no control.
I was alone.
I was alone.
Alone.
A SMALL GASP OF BREATH
All at once, I just started wailing and sobbing. It was too much for me. My world was torn apart and I had absolutely nothing to grab on to. No purchase. Nothing… My dad left the room and he called my mom. I knew I was losing it and there was nothing I could do about it. My body was not in control anymore, just like my life. Sometimes, there is nothing but tears and pain – and pain – and pain.
I was alone. Alone.
After a long while, I suddenly remembered a good friend who told me to “text if I needed anything at all.” I scrambled to find my phone and I hit “call.” It rang and rang. When they picked up, I finally took a breath. Even if they said no, I felt a life-raft had been thrown to me. I saw some land, at last. I could lean on others and it wouldn’t kill me.
I explained the situation to them – that Lokey couldn’t stay at home while Bowser was healing – that Lokey was freaking out and that both of the boys needed a safe and peaceful space (and so did I.) I asked if it was it possible that Lokey could stay with them?
They said YES! An answer to prayer. I was ecstatic. I was relieved. I was….scared.
Up – Down – Up – Down.
I had never been apart from either of my pups except for one or two vacations. Austin and I got them at the shelter at 6-months old and we hadn’t really left them ever since. We had friends and family stay at the house with them when we went anywhere overnight. I was so nervous to…not only have someone take him away from the only home he ever knew – but away from me and Bowser – and also Austin who was missing-in-action (and always would be.) I couldn’t even explain it to Lokey so that he understood this was a fucked-up situation. I know that he could sense something weird was going on because he was the smart one – and I did end up actually explaining it to him – but it was absolute torture to let my baby go.
I packed up Lokey’s stuff, wrote some instructions, and sent him off. I cried, but I also sighed in relief. Both an answer to prayer and a nightmare at the same time. It wouldn’t have been anything if Austin was alive and my life was normal. But…Austin was dead. My life was destroyed. My emotions and feelings were all over the place. Pile it on – just keep piling it on.
Someone needed to tell me what normal was, please.
THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU
These blogs have been very depressing so far – and hard to read, I’m sure. But, just like going through the actual “event” itself….it happens one agonizing day at a time. You drag through the muck of of it.
It’s depressing – it’s lonely – it’s awful – you cry – you wail – you scream – you throw things.
Many of us widows describe it as “slugging” for a reason. You literally “slug” through it. Most of the time, you feel stuck. You’re stuck in a different stage of grief for a long, long-time, with no relief in sight. Then, it flips and changes on a whim (like a rollercoaster), and you are never prepared.
So buckle up – this is the real thing. They say the sun will come out.
Someday. Somehow. It will come…
PLAYLIST
I gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don’t want less, I don’t want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm
Yeah, my life is what I’m fighting for
Can’t part the sea, can’t reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won’t let this pull me overboard
God, keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown, it gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown, drown, drown
Don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown
So pull me up from down below
‘Cause I’m underneath the undertow
Come dry me off and hold me close
I need you now, I need you most
God, keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown, it gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown, drown, drown
Don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown
Don’t let me drown, drown, drown
Don’t let me, don’t let me, don’t let me drown (Keep my head above water, above water)
And I can’t see in the stormy weather
I can’t seem to keep it all together
And I, I can’t swim the ocean like this forever
And I can’t breathe
God, keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me, I’ll be waiting
I’m too young to fall asleep
God, keep my head above water
Don’t let me drown, it gets harder
I’ll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees
Don’t let me drown (Don’t let me, don’t let me drown)
Don’t let me drown (Don’t let me, don’t let me drown)
Don’t let me drown (Don’t let me, don’t let me drown)
And keep my head above water, above water
– Head Above Water (Avril Lavigne)
What doesn’t kill you
Makes you wish you were dead
Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper
And I can’t take
One more moment of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
And the weight of the world’s getting harder to hold up
It comes in waves, I close my eyes
Hold my breath and let it bury me
I’m not OK and it’s not alright
Won’t you drag the lake and bring me home again
Who will fix me now?
Dive in when I’m down?
Save me from myself
Don’t let me drown
Who will make me fight?
Drag me out alive?
Save me from myself
Don’t let me drown
What doesn’t destroy you
Leaves you broken instead
Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper
And I can’t take
One more moment of this silence
The loneliness is haunting me
And the weight of the worlds getting harder to hold up
It comes in waves, I close my eyes
Hold my breath and let it bury me
I’m not OK and it’s not alright
Won’t you drag the lake and bring me home again
Who will fix me now?
Dive in when I’m down?
Save me from myself
Don’t let me drown
Who will make me fight?
Drag me out alive?
Save me from myself
Don’t let me drown
‘Cause you know that I can’t do this on my own
‘Cause you know that I can’t do this on my own
‘Cause you know that I can’t do this on my own
Who will fix me now?
Who will fix me now?
Who will fix me now?
Dive in when I’m down?
Save me from myself
-Drown (Bring Me The Horizon)
Since You Been Gone 
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