“I keep myself busy with things to do, but each time I pause, I think of you.”
– Unknown
Have you ever watched a movie or a TV show where a character experiences something crazy or life-altering? You may think, “What are they doing?” “I would never do something like that.” “I would be calm and collected…and I would [insert action here].”
I’ve definitely thought those things. Austin and I had many conversations about things like that based on shows or movies we watched. Even about death of a spouse and how we would react.
Funny thing is, life isn’t like the movies. It doesn’t go “as you planned.” You don’t know how you’ll react until it happens. There is only now.
DAY ZERO – [WEDNESDAY, 10/27/2021]
I drove home from the hospital. I had no concept of time. I had no idea how long I was in the Emergency Room or what time it was now. Family followed me home from the hospital, but I couldn’t…
I. Just. Could. Not. Handle. Any. More.
No more people. No more questions. No more, no more, NO MORE!! I made my family leave, and I can’t say I was very nice about it. I was like a raw, open wound, bleeding all over the place and I needed to be alone to release some of the pain. To cut the infection out of my body. I didn’t want anyone or anything but him.
Once alone, there was no plan, but I needed to distract myself and do something! If I stopped even for a second, my brain would explode all over the room. It was like being in a rocket, watching the scenery speed by. Everything around me was blurry and unrecognizable – so I did something in my rocket bubble that made sense. I grabbed some cleaning supplies and attacked the bathroom. Somehow, I found myself sitting in the master bathtub scrubbing away.
Since I had left work early, my boss texted while I was cleaning to ask if everything was okay. My response was simple, yet life-changing. “He’s dead.” I never imagined myself saying that, let alone it being anything but a joke.
My response was simple, yet life-changing. “He’s dead.”
While cleaning the bathroom like a madwoman, my girl-friends came over. They let me talk nonsense and cry. They helped clean the bathroom and the kitchen and the fridge – and whatever else. I didn’t know how to sit still or process anything. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t even watch a show or a movie. I didn’t know what to do with myself. My world was completely different from when I woke up that morning. I didn’t recognize anything at all. My puzzle had been complete, but it felt like someone had now taken it apart and dumped the pieces all over the table. My patterns, routines, and life were in absolute chaos. I was lost. I was nowhere.
Sometime in the early morning hours, my family member (a doctor) prescribed me a special sleeping “cocktail” that finally knocked me out. I was grateful for my brain to stop. I was happy I dreamt of nothing.
DAYS ONE TO FOUR – [THURSDAY, 10/28/21 – SUNDAY, 10/31/21]
I was up at the crack of dawn. I cringed at the dark now – it was a scary place where I couldn’t see anything. Monsters would come for me. Something bad would happen. There were things after me and I couldn’t fucking breathe. It was like a plastic bag was over my head. I just wanted the night to pass and the light to come. It seems metaphorical looking back, but it was a very real thing that happened. I was literally scared of the dark.
When I finally slept, I dreamt – but not of Austin. They were nightmares. Giant bugs would attack me – or it was alligators or snakes. I would be stuck in a cannibalistic cult waiting to be eaten. I was running from people who wanted to capture me. People would be attacking my house and I would be trying to defend it. On and on it went, and the scenes would flip quickly from one thing to the next. When I was able to wake up, I would be sweaty and soaked. It was not a restful sleep.
Once the sun was up at 7:00am, I was up. I could breathe again. I started working. I cleaned everything I could. I organized things. I did all the laundry. I watered plants and washed the few dishes that had been used. I had to keep busy…
But, there were issues. My brain wasn’t working right. I would walk across the room to get something…and completely forget what I was doing. I started folding towels and then realized I needed to bleach the sink. I couldn’t seem to finish even one thing. Everything was 25 – 50% done. I was scattered, jumpy, twitchy, and all over the place.
I would walk across the room to get something…and completely forget what I was doing.
Family came and stayed. People stopped by to visit. I was aware of what was happening in real-time, but after the day passed, I couldn’t tell you what I had done, who I had seen, or what we had talked about. I only knew that people had been there.
I couldn’t eat. I was running on adrenaline, or shock – or whatever. Food was the last thing I wanted.
My doctor prescribed me antidepressants and sleeping medicine, but I became paranoid about taking medications at the same time. Somehow, fearful that I was going to have an adverse reaction and die.
I only wanted to keep going. I could stay ahead of this feeling. I would outrun this – whatever it was.
DAY 5 – [MONDAY, 11/01/21]
Monday was the appointment with the funeral home.
One day, I was laughing with my husband at the funniest joke ever – the next, I was at a funeral home talking about what I wanted to do with his dead body. My brain could not comprehend or catch up.
Add-in dealing with all this without talking with Austin, and it had completely scrambled my brain.
When you’re married, you consult your partner about everything. At least, I did. They’re always there to converse with – or you can call them, or text them. They’re “your person.” What would I do now without my person?!
As preparation for the funeral home appointment, I was told to bring documents – His driver’s license, his social security card, etc. I don’t remember exactly what they asked me to bring – I only remember that locating, and then holding those documents was triggering. I cried like crazy. I had his wallet because he wasn’t able grab it when the emergency team transported him to the ambulance. I opened it and found his driver’s license. The photo of him made me break down.
His phone was still on the nightstand.
If you’ve lost someone, you may understand that it feels wrong to touch their things – to go through them. They’re not yours. They’ll come back to claim them, right? Something like a wallet or a cell phone was always with them. But now, they’re just…things. And it’s wrong.
Everything about all of this was so absolutely wrong.
It feels wrong to touch their things…. They’ll come back to claim them, right?
A family member picked me up and drove me and we met Austin’s family at the funeral home. I’m not sure I remembered how to drive at that point. Upon arrival, we were welcomed and invited into a private room with a circular table. It was exactly like you would picture a funeral home room to be. No windows. Dark. Sad. Cold.
Silent.
Awful.
They presented me with forms and questions. Some questions I wasn’t prepared to answer, and never would be. Some of them were extremely simple, but my brain was just not online. I could barely spell my own name.
- Cremation or open casket?
- Was this my correct address / phone number? (I honestly did not know and needed help to verify my own information)
- If cremation, what container did I want?
- Did I want to pick a burial plot or do a memorial bench/area?
- Did I want to see his body again?
They took us on a tour of the grounds. It was surreal. Would Austin want to be buried here? Did I want to come and sit on a bench at the cemetery to remember him?
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know!
They left the family alone to talk. It was so still in that room. We had a difficult time because we didn’t know what Austin would have wanted. He didn’t have a will. I remembered him talking about having a viking funeral – but where in this country would we be allowed to launch his body on a boat into the water and shoot a flaming arrow at it?
(Also, we probably wouldn’t hit the target and he’d just be adrift at sea!)
After some deliberation, we came to the realization that while we didn’t know what he wanted (that was actually feasible), we were absolutely certain of what he would not want – which was to be laid out in front of everyone, on display – the center of attention.
Ok, one decision made….Cremation.
I also knew, I wanted to have him at home with me. Until I felt ready to let him go. I was certain he would have wanted that as well.
Ok good, another decision made…I would take the ashes home.
Austin was cheap. (It’s true.) He would have hated to spend money on anything fancy or unnecessary like an expensive memorial bench or fancy marble urn.
…Get the cheapest container possible. Check.
The last thing – the hardest thing – Did I want to see his body again? Of course I did. But if I did, I knew I would not let go. I would have just held onto him. They would have had to drag me away. My heart knew they were going to burn his body to ash. They would literally light him on fire. And while I knew he was dead, I just couldn’t get the thought out of my head that they were burning him alive – and, when he came back to me, he would need his body…and it would be gone.
Mostly, I was afraid of never seeing him again.
These were not rational thoughts, and I knew that, but I also couldn’t make them stop. I was afraid of everything. But mostly, I was afraid of never seeing him again.
However, that ship had sailed, and the small part of my brain still connected to reality knew that I would never, ever, truly see him again.
…So, I chose not to.
Upon leaving the funeral home, I was given a packet. It had a receipt, copies of the documents signed, and some pamphlets of memorabilia you could purchase for the ashes.
A life changing event had just occurred – and I left with a folder.
THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU
Unfortunately, there’s no way to truly prepare mentally for the things that happened until you experience them for yourself. You can read about it (to know what questions they’ll ask). You can have plans in place (set up a will).
When it comes to your reaction, though, that’s uncontrollable. And, no matter how many shows you watch, or how much you tell yourself that you’ll have it together, your body and mind can only handle so much.
At those times, just keep breathing – because sometimes it’s all you can do.
PLAYLIST
Fall asleep to dreams of home
Where the waves are crashing
The only place I’ve ever known
Now the future has me
I see the fire in the sky
See it all around me
I said the past is dead
The life I had is gone
Said I won’t give up until I see the sun
Hold me now ’til the fear is leaving
I am barely breathing
Waking up and letting go
To the sound of angels
Am I alive or just a ghost?
Haunted by my sorrows
Hope is slipping through my hands
Gravity is taking hold
I said I’m not afraid that I am brave enough
I will not give up until I see the sun
Hold me now ’til the fear is leaving
I am barely breathing
Crying out
These tired wings are falling
I need you to catch me
As I burn, as I break
I can’t take it anymore
I return to the place
Where the water covers over everything
Rescue me somehow
Hold me now ’til the fear is leaving
I am barely breathing
Crying out
These tired wings are falling
I need you to catch me
Hold me now ’til the fear is leaving
I am barely breathing
– Hold Me Now (Red)
Since You Been Gone 
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